I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
