All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
