I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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