He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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