I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
