Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
