Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I feel like a drive thru vagina
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
