I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
