I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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