I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
