Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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