Fine. I'll sleep in my office
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
