do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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