i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
