Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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