If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
