fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
