A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
