I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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