Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
is that a dick in a sweater?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize