I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
