I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
