I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
