He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
