How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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