I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
