dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
