Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I could fuck to npr.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
