did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
