Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
