My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
