I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
