Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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