508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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