bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
That accounts for only three of the penises
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize