You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
