Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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