o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
