All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
