There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You ruined the universe
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
