I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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