So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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