Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize