you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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