I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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