the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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