I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
