you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
