when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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