Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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