Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Randomize
