we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
