if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
