I wanna bring you to show and tell
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
i came on her dog
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
