I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
