I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
