I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
