i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
